The Best Medicine

Next Saturday, Caroline will be 1 year old. What a crazy, scary, wonderful year it has been. For her party, I thought I would print out a few pictures to highlight this first year. Well, a "few" turned into 268. I reasoned I could put the rest in her baby albums…that I still haven't even opened. Once. It's gonna happen, though…eventually. Anyway, yesterday, Caroline and I went to pick up the pictures. This sounds like a trivial thing- nothing to make a fuss about, right? The thing is, Caroline hasn't really been out and about, except for hospitals and clinics, until this past week. With all of her surgeries and health issues, we've had to be very careful about germs. I know I sound like the typical paranoid first-time mom, but with her special issues, there is no such thing as "just a cold." So this has been quite the week for her. She is meeting new people and seeing new sights and my, it's a big world. Since she has really only been around doctors and nurses, Caroline is a bit, well, leery of people. That may be putting it mildly. Let me put it this way,  if you see us out and about and Caroline cuts her eyes at you while clinging to me for dear life, please know it's not you. She just thinks you could possibly be holding a shot behind your back. You can't be too careful, after all.

Anyway, like I was saying, we were picking up the "few" pictures and the cashier starts by saying, "oh, I saw this one picture…" She starts back pedaling, "well, we don't really look at your pictures, but it was on the top when I opened the machine, and…" I sucked in a breath sharply, steadying myself for whatever question she might have and trying to go through the pictures in my mind. Was it one of the helmet pictures? The nasal stent? The lip tape? The ventilator? Then, relief washes over me when she says, "and I think it was an Easter picture right? With the banner? She's wearing a hat and a dress? Oh that picture was so cute! I have all boys so I never get to take any cute Easter pictures like that." Obviously, I'm not ashamed of the other pictures- they are simply part of our year's memories- but honestly, it just feels good for someone to see Caroline as simply an adorable little girl without knowing her history.

We made a few other stops, and later that afternoon, I set out the pictures on the kitchen table and began looking through them. I had to stop and start back again several times. I had to step away from them until the memories and accompanying emotions subsided. It's a difficult task to look back, but it makes me appreciate how far we have come on this ride. I don't know how I will pick only a handful to show you. I may have to do a 1st year installment - don't worry, I promise I won't post 268 pictures…maybe.  All of the sifting through pictures, reflection, and party-planning can be a bad combination. The kind of combination that makes you want to staple streamers to the wall, eat the cake icing with a spoon, and call it a day.

Then, in the midst of the messiness, she shines her joy. So, when you are stressed and cursing Pinterest for making you feel like a complete failure as a mom for not having monogrammed favor bags, Etsy party hats, and a 5-tiered glorious, unicorn-topped, gold flake-dusted confection that puts your own wedding cake to shame….

There's a cure for that. This cure comes in a messy shirt and surrounded by clutter, but that's sort of the running theme of our life. It is messy but oh, she brings the joy to it.

I'm just going to leave this here…

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