Spring and New Beginnings

Spring has sprung! Sunny daffodils now line my drive. The Bradford pear and saucer magnolia trees in  the backyard are in full bloom. Ah, my yard has life again! When I look out my window, I still see barren branches and mostly brown grass, but I also see flecks of color and signs of life. Spring is probably my favorite season. Well, when fall comes around giving a little relief from the unbearable humidity and heat of an Arkansas summer, I flip-flop like a politician…but right now, spring definitely has my heart. It's a reminder that He creates life from dormancy transforming even the dreariest landscape. Indeed, He makes all things new. I've heard it said that there has to be a winter in order to truly appreciate spring. While I would still be fine living in a climate of perpetual spring, I can assure you there is truth in that statement. While, some days, things still look a bit dreary at first glance, I can think back to last summer when we were experiencing some truly bleak, winter days and gain a fresh perspective. Now, I gaze out at our circumstances and I can see buds of colorful hope springing up from darkness.

Last week, Caroline saw her pediatrician for her last RSV shot (Hal-le-lu-yer!) We weighed her but then she started choking a bit so I asked that we not lay her flat for them to measure her length. We weren't there for a check-up anyway so I reasoned a length wasn't that vital. Well, Dr. B comes in and says, "I need a length on her." Now, she and her nurses are excellent and very accommodating so they figured out a way to measure her without having to lay her flat- thanks, ladies.  I still asked why she needed a length. Her response- it still floors me- "Because Caroline has gained quite a bit of weight since last time and I need to make sure she's not getting fat." My jaw might have come close to hitting the ground. See, if you had told me last summer that there would ever be concern of Caroline "getting fat," I would have told you to lay off the crazy sauce.

My baby, who entered the world blue as a smurf.
My baby, who didn't receive any milk for the first 3 days of life.
My baby, who relied on a feeding tube for nearly a month.
My baby, who couldn't drink an ounce without choking.
My baby, who couldn't breathe out of her nose.
My baby, who has been through 10 surgeries.
My baby, who battles severe reflux.
My baby, the fighter, who has every reason in the world not to thrive, is growing and surpassing limits and expectations.
My baby, caused concern for "getting fat" and I could not be prouder.

Well, it turns out, Caroline is right at the 75th percentile on the growth charts for weight and length! In my former life as a dietitian, I spent a lot of time looking at growth charts and helping parents keep their children on a healthy curve. I had planned on battling texture aversions and feeding difficulties alongside her to just keep her on the chart and, honestly, was hopeful for somewhere around the 10th-25th percentile. How she delights in proving me wrong. So, what else has Caroline been up to besides eating? Well, she's going through this stage of clingy-ness. Caroline has always been a very attached baby, but this is a whole 'nother level of attached…like, I think she would be perfectly content if she were physically attached to my hip via velcro. I'm ashamed to admit I have felt a bit put out.  Why won't she just sleep 4 consecutive hours at night? Why won't she just let me set her in her busy seat so I can shower? Why does she act like the highchair and stroller are now torture chambers? Then, I think about last May when I wasn't allowed to hold her and how I would have done anything for the chance to rock her to sleep. I think about all of those studies I read while I was pregnant and worried how or if she would bond with me. Well, like I said, Caroline loves to take my fears and plans and prove me so very wrong.

Yes, I am thankful for spring and this little bud who keeps growing and blossoming despite the odds.

Jedi Powers and King David

I really hate waiting. Waiting lines. Don't you hate when the person behind you stands way too close?  I have personal space issues, I guess. Waiting rooms. Giant petri dishes. I will try to find the most isolated area and never fails, someone will sit right beside me and hack or talk loudly. That reminds me of Caroline's first surgery. We were still in the NICU. She was 2 weeks old. A very traumatic experience for all of us to say the least. My family and I sit down in the surgery waiting area and a family next to us talks about funerals and burial plots the whole. dang. time.

Annoying Person #1: "At my funeral I want them to sing that one song..."
Annoying Person #2: "Well I want the plot by (so-and-so) not that other one…"

 If there were ever a chance to use some Harry Potter magic to punch someone and then make them forget the whole incident….Oh or maybe some Jedi mind control.
Me: (Throat punches annoying person)
Annoying Person: "What the -"
Me: (Waving hand in front of his face) "I did not throat punch you."
Annoying Person: "You did not throat punch me."
The lesson here is there are plenty of topics to discuss in a surgery waiting room…death is not one of them, but I digress...

If you recall, we have been in a waiting period lately. We came to a fork in the ride. We chose a path. A new path. Then, we had to exit the ride momentarily as this new path is being readied. We stepped away from the platform to reassess our objectives and choices. We bought our tickets. Then we waited. I got a long-awaited call yesterday to confirm we are booked on this ride and given a departure time. As thankful as I was to receive that call, I still felt annoyed by this waiting period.

When I feel overwhelmed by the unknowns and the wait, I go to my guy King David. I am actually aware there are other books in the Bible, but if you were to peek at my notebook, you would think I only knew of Psalms. When I let doubts consume me, I copy down His truths and promises much like a student copies vocabulary words and definitions. There's something about actually writing out the words by hand that helps them soak in to my heart. Lately when I pray, I feel at a loss for words. Then I pick a Psalm and pray those words. I realize David wasn't the author of each one, but he did author most of my personal favorites.

I once heard someone say that if David had Prozac, the Psalms wouldn't exist. I have a problem with that observation. Sure, his Psalms are gritty and seem to waver from one emotional extreme to the next, but consider the obstacles he faced. Consider the long wait he endured to become king. Saul wasn't going to relinquish that throne without some conflict. Imagine being chased by a man and his armies- who were devoted to ensuring your destruction. I know I would find myself complaining much like David does at the beginning of Psalm 13…

"How long O LORD? Will You forget me forever?

  How long will You hide Your face from me?"

Then, see how David changes his prayer…

"But I trust in your unfailing love; 

my heart rejoices in your salvation.

I will sing The LORD'S praise,

for He has been good to me." 

David was flawed, but he was still called a man after God's own heart. God promised him the throne, but he had to endure a difficult waiting period. He made mistakes- big ones but through them he became more appreciative of His grace.  Troubles surrounded him and he did his fair share of complaining. It seems odd that he would change his tune so quickly, but David remembered God's promises - past, present, and future. He could look back and see that God had not failed him yet. He called on God's character.

He is trustworthy.

He is faithful.

He is loving. 

Like David, I am so very flawed. I complain. I make mistakes. Yet, I pray during this difficult wait, that  I will recall His promises and His character. Just like He showed up during that first surgery and kept Caroline safe…and kept me from harming the annoying family…I know He will keep showing up. He hears every grumble, sees every tear, and He answers. I know He began a good work in Caroline. I know He will see us through and He will complete this good work.