Put the Oxygen Mask on Yourself First...

You've seen the safety demonstration. The flight attendant gracefully places the oxygen mask on herself to show you what to do in case of an emergency. Her movements are so fluid and seamless. While I have flown several times, I have never been placed in the position of having to actually remember any of the safety demonstrations; however, I can imagine I would not be nearly as graceful. In fact, I would be doing well to not pass out from the excitement of it all. I'm not good in an emergency. Good thing I switched my major from nursing after my freshman year.

Anyway, the point of wearing the oxygen mask first is because you can't really be helpful if you aren't conscious. Pretty basic, right? Yet this is such a difficult concept. This time last year, we were in survival mode. We were going to ACH for surgeries every other week, sometimes every week. My only concern was keeping Caroline alive. We were all taking turns offering our oxygen masks. We were exhausted, burned out, and miserable- but she kept breathing. Testing, insulin, carbs, glucose sensors, those words did not hold space in my thoughts. I was managing my diabetes, but just barely. My endocrinologist, bless her soul, was worried but she always said, "I know you have a lot on your plate" or "It's hard to do everything right when you're spending so much time at the hospital with Caroline." At our visits every 3 months she would ask about Caroline. She would touch on my reports- yeah there were a few highs and lows but my average numbers were always really good so she didn't lecture. This last visit was different.

She asked about Caroline so I updated her on the latest. As a doctor, she likes to hear about surgeries and recovery but as a mom she likes to hear about her little quirks and games.
"Well, palate recovery is going well…still have a big cranial surgery in November…she can do 'The Itsy Bitsy Spider' which is really encouraging to me, I know she must be smart…" She nods politely and places a hand on my arm and says, "How are you doing? I mean, like, mentally, how are you doing?" I tell her it's getting better- some days are harder than others but overall, things are much easier now. We go over my reports and really the numbers look even better than I would have expected. She says, "OK, now it's time to start taking care of yourself again. Get back on track with your diet. Exercise." One of my dear friends and mentors told me a few months ago to put the oxygen mask on myself. Sometimes it seems incredibly selfish to leave Caroline with someone so I can go exercise. Sometimes it feels really selfish, when I have that shaky low, to gulp a box of juice before I get back on the mat to play with her. Diabetes complicates things. I really do want to just focus on taking care of my baby, but in order to be healthy enough to take care of her, I have to be a little selfish sometimes. So, here I am, bottle of water by my side, continuous glucose sensor in my stomach, and back to logging religiously on My Fitness Pal….apparently the App doesn't do anything unless I actually use it!