Steel Magnolias

Do you have a favorite movie that you could watch over and over again? One that you can recite every line and never get tired of hearing those words? I have one. It's hands down my favorite movie of all time- which sounds oh, so cliche since just about every Southern girl would say the same- but that's alright by me. There's a reason the story resonates with so many people. The movie is based on a play based on a true story. A story that, while so unique, is also so universal for Southern women…and men. On a college spring break trip to Cancun, the guy who was just a friend, but would years later become my husband, was around when I had a low blood sugar spell. I didn't act quite as dramatic as Julia, but he held up a drink to my mouth and drawled, "drank the juice, Shailby." At that moment I said to myself, "that is going to be my man." Now, it may seem I would be drawn to this movie for the obvious similarity between myself and Shelby, but I fell in love with this movie way before juvenile diabetes came into my life. In my former life as a diabetes educator, while trying to explain to my patients the differences between type 2 diabetes (which was most of my patients) and type 1 diabetes (me) I often said, "you know like, Steel Magnolias?" to describe my condition. That typically got 2 different reactions from people…1. sheer horror and shock that I was able to work and was not, in fact, laid up in a hospital bed on life support or 2. blank stares of unfamiliarity. Now I realize the movie is getting a little old, but come on people, this should be mandatory viewing! Going back to reaction 1 of sheer horror and shock, I will admit the movie does not do a great job of accurately portraying the life of a type 1 diabetic but let's just leave it at that.

So, why do I love this story? I love the characters. I love the strong, yet gentle women who support each other through good and bad. As Truvy says, "laughter through tears is my favorite emotion" and really that's what you feel throughout the movie.  I think everyone who gets to know these characters is reminded of women in their lives. Know a Ouiser? You know you do. We all know that crazy, old, woman who can be such a grouch that you want to just slap her and then you turn around and here she comes bringing you cucumbers from her garden. Every young woman needs a Miss Clariee in her life to remind her how to be a gentle leader. I know my Clariee. She is one of the most business-saavy women I know, yet the most genteel. She gave me some great advice as a wide-eyed college student. She said with tenderness yet firmness, "Now, Katie, when you get ready to get married, you marry a man like your daddy. You marry a soft-spoken, gentle man, or you will be very sad." I think you probably know an Anelle. Lord, you just love her to pieces, but bless her heart, if she don't drive you crazy. Don't underestimate Anelles, though. They have a great inner power and are essential when it comes to putting things back into perspective for you. They don't let personal tragedies interfere with their abilities to do great hair, either. Oh, and I hope you know a Truvy. She can make you smile, laugh, and feel better about yourself when you feel like everything has just gone all pear-shaped. She's the one you sidle up to at a party when you want to hear a good story, especially if it involves a secret about your nemesis…not that you have one, just saying…

I know a M'Lynn. She is my very best friend, my rock, and my mother. She is the strongest woman I know. She picks up the pieces and puts everything back together when life has truly gone awry- all  while keeping herself together. I have never seen my mother fall apart. I don't know how she does it. Myself, well I'm more of a Shelby- highly emotional and stubborn to a fault. When I get overwhelmed, I just want to sit and cry for a bit, but my M'Lynn, she will jump right in and clean the house from top to bottom, cook a roast, and bake a pie without a hair out of place. When I told her I was expecting, she was so happy for me but I know she worried. Since my diagnosis at 16 I had heard many times that a baby might not be possible, that it might be too hard on my body, but much like Shelby, "I'd rather have 30 minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothin special." Like the Eatentons though, my mother and father always said all they wanted for me and my brothers was happiness. Here I am today, holding this wonderful creature and I want so much happiness for her. Like I have said before, I buried the standard plans you have for your child like playing the piano or excelling at tennis. Caroline loves to prove me wrong, so she may excel at each of those things. Mainly, what I wish for her is to be a Steel Magnolia. I pray she knows her worth as a woman. I pray that she understands that being a woman does not change the calling He places on her life. I want her to know that being a woman does not make her a different kind of Christian. 

I know that many have already weighed in on this topic but I can't let it go. I have lost sleep over the Duggar family for the past few nights. I have never been a fan of the show, but I absolutely do not hate them. I don't agree with most aspects of their lifestyle but until recently, it didn't affect me. So why do I care so much now? As a mother to a daughter, I am the one who is supposed to model what is acceptable and unacceptable. I never, ever want her to think someone assaulting her and taking advantage of her is acceptable. Yes, there is forgiveness and redemption. I am the chief of sinners. Redeeming love has been my theme and shall be until I die. I pray that Josh has truly found recovery and redemption, but mostly I pray for the girls who were violated. The girls, who are now women, will never be the same. They and their relationships will be forever affected by the heinous acts and worse, the cover-up, which is the true crime here. No adult in this case acted responsibly at any point. To those who say the sin was a private matter and "dealt with" I beg to differ. Reporting something to church elders a year after the criminal behavior, yes it is a crime, began is not "dealing." Sending the perpetrator, who let's face it is also a victim of his sheltered upbringing, to do manual labor as therapy for 3 months, (his mother later admitted no counseling was ever involved) is not "dealing." Then, sending him to get a "stern talking-to" from a police officer buddy who did not file a report and would later be sentenced to 50+ years for child pornography charges is not "dealing." I know some make the excuse that he was "only 14, a child." He was 14 when this started and continued the acts. He knew they were wrong. I grew up with 2 older brothers, and I can assure you,  nothing about his actions was normal. I absolutely hate that the real victims, the daughters and the friend, are suffering once again, and this time publicly. I hate that the media is loving the demise of this family. Like I said, I do not hate them or wish them ill-will, ok I will admit I have been wishing for some punishment for the parents and clergy who are mandated reporters and did not report the offense-ah, there I go again. So, the other day, as I am trying to deal with my anger about this situation,  I go for a run. (Caroline is a year old so now officially I have to quit making excuses and get back in shape.) So, as I run, I listen to music. A rap song comes on and the words stop me in my tracks. If I am so concerned about what my reaction to the Duggar scandal tells my daughter, should I not be concerned with my acceptance of these lyrics that degrade her as a woman? My sister-in-law texted me the other day about this topic. She had her radio going and heard these lyrics:

Shawty, I don't mind if you dance on a pole,

That don't make you a ho

She and I agreed that actually that does make you a ho. When did we decide as women that being objectified was acceptable? When did we decide that we should wear certain clothes, style our hair this way, or have a 24" waist to have any worth? The media tells us we should and we obey. 

Well, I pray that my Sweet Caroline would have a rebellious, stubborn streak like her mama Shelby to forge her own path. I pray she would have the quiet strength and deep love of my M'Lynn. The good nature and warmth of  my Truvy. I pray for the practicality of my Anelle, and the politeness and wisdom of my Clariee. I even pray for a good dose of my sassy Ouiser in her- that she would have the strength to be an independent woman and the orneriness to stomp a mud hole in the side of any male who tries to get in her way. 

My two Steel Magnolias. Tender as Magnolia blossoms but tough as steel

Expectations & The Unexpected

It's been a little over 2 weeks since our palate repair, and we are so happy to report that Caroline is once again surpassing expectations. After each surgery, there is always an adjustment period- some more difficult than others. Her lip repair last December proved to be an extremely difficult recovery. Whenever I expressed this to her surgery team at our follow-up appointment, I heard, "Oh really? Well just wait until the palate surgery." So, as you can imagine, we weren't exactly looking forward to it. Well, in true Caroline fashion, she doesn't adhere to my plans. Nope, thankfully, Caroline follows her own and surpasses my expectations.

We received a lot of questions about our reasons for choosing to go with a different surgeon and hospital. I want to be clear that this decision was not made without some hesitation and even sadness. We have been through a lot in this first year with ACH. We have met many fine physicians, nurses, and ancillary staff, and formed relationships. Back in April, we made the trip to Dallas to consult with this new team, and when we returned, a nurse and friend from ACH called. When I told her we had been to Dallas, she just said, "Dr. Fearon? He's excellent." That was a difficult conversation. It almost felt like a break-up, but even worse. When you entrust your child's life with someone, you form a unique bond with that person. So, why leave? With the passing of our beloved Dr. Honnebier, we knew we needed to find a new craniofacial surgeon, preferably one that could manage her cleft and craniosynostosis, and  thankfully, we found him.

Surgery was scheduled for Friday, May 8th, so we spent most of Thursday at the hospital for pre-op appointments. Every single person we met was so kind and took time to make Caroline feel as comfortable as possible. We met with Dr. Fearon and he explained the procedure in detail. Whenever surgeons do this, I nod a lot and try to act like I understand everything they say, but really I'm not paying attention at all. I realize that sounds concerning, but this is where I rely on Josh and at least one of my parents to process this information for me. In that moment, all I can think about as I hold her is how I can reassure her and let her know how much she is loved. Then, he measures her head and I am so happy to tell you that, for once, her head has not grown over the past month! Also, he felt of her head and confidently said he believes the cranial pressure has decreased. There is no scientific explanation for this, so I credit God and you, her prayer warrior, for this unexpected, excellent news.

Two of the bravest girls I know. 

Surgery day has arrived. I can't describe all of the thoughts and emotions that race through your mind, and won't even attempt it. All I can say is that morning went very smoothly. We had the sweetest nurse caring for us in the holding area before Caroline was taken back to the operating room. We met with each doctor again, signed consents, and then it was almost time to let her go. For the first time, we are offered Versed for Caroline- although I wish they had some for parents and grandparents, too! If you aren't familiar with Versed, this is a wonderful, magical elixir that chills your child slick out. At this point, Caroline doesn't know or care where she is or what is going on- she is floating on the magical Versed cloud. The operating room nurse comes to take Caroline and when I hand  her over, there are no tears- from Caroline, anyway. We head to the waiting area and receive frequent updates that our girl is doing well. During her palate repair, she also had ear tubes placed by an ENT, so he comes out first to tell us everything went well. Then, about an 90 minuets later, Dr. Fearon comes out bouncing and smiling- that's always a good sign. After a few surgeries, you develop a knack for reading doctor's faces. Instead of the typical routine of getting the rundown from the surgeon and then waiting for 30 minutes for a nurse to come get you to take you back to your awake and crying child, Dr. Fearon takes us back immediately. He's a bit of a renegade but I like that about him. Caroline was still sleeping peacefully and he instructed us to let her sleep for as long as possible stating it would be much easier on her. Of course, I was happy to let her sleep knowing she likely wouldn't be so peaceful once she woke up. It's always difficult to walk back to the recovery area to a screaming and scared child. I realized then that Dr. Fearon wanted me to be the first person she saw when she woke up- and for that I am so grateful. When she finally woke up, the nurse wasted no time in making sure she was comfortable. She had an IV pain medicine ready to go followed by an oral, then another via IV. I really didn't expect her to eat or drink at all the first day, but wouldn't you know, Caroline the Lionhearted is sitting up gulping an orange gatorade 30 minutes later. Since it took some time for a room in the pediatric unit to open up, the nurse brought her a portable DVD player. So, there sits Caroline, drinking and watching Little Einsteins like nothing happened.

"Where's Caroline??" Playing peekaboo before surgery

Our mighty girl in recovery. They let her doll go back to surgery with her and when they got out, she managed to be wearing Caroline's socks. No one can resist playing with a doll.

Once we made it to the floor, the staff did an excellent job of keeping her comfortable and happy. They let us unplug the IV pole and take her for walks around the unit. Caroline isn't much for sitting. She has never been one of those "sit and rock me" babies. She prefers to be on the move- or rather you be on the move. She's just concerned for my health is all. I won't sugarcoat it, the first night is always rough. She didn't sleep but didn't want to drink and the only thing that kept her somewhat happy was her Mickey Mouse Clubhouse DVD. My sweet husband held her almost all night and let me take the couch. The crying, the beeping of machines, and Goofy singing about building a "birdie-house" over and over made us feel like we had entered the inner circle of Hell. OK, maybe not that bad, but it was pretty awful. The next morning when Dr. Fearon came in to check on her, she was clapping, playing peekaboo, and watching her Mickey Mouse. She had also managed to drink and eat, so he decided she was doing too well to be at the hospital. We stayed in Canton, Texas which is a tiny town about 45 miles from Dallas. We wanted to stick close to the hospital for a few days just in case. We were so thankful to have my parents there for support. Later that day once we got back to the cottage, they offered to watch her so we could rest. I assumed we might sleep 2 hours and do some laundry. Nope. We fell asleep and woke up 5 hours later. Yes, I have the very best parents ever.

We have only had a couple scares that first week home and, thankfully, Dr. Fearon is good about answering emails and calls to calm my worries. Overall, this has probably been the easiest recovery which was unexpected but very welcomed! So, next on the agenda, is getting used to this new palate and all that comes with it. She is currently fascinated with clicking her tongue and is  looking forward to expanding her food options beyond purees. We will have an MRI in June to help determine if she will will need a brain shunt and what type could be used. Then, back to Dallas in July for follow-up appointments.

All I can say to you is thank you- which never seems like nearly enough to express the gratitude my family has for you and your love and support of our Sweet Caroline.

First sit-down restaurant experience just 2 days after surgery. Had to bring the doll along of course, still wearing Caroline's socks. She had milk but was more interested in helping her daddy drink his sweet tea. It's in her blood, y'all.

The First Year

It's officially Birthday Week, also known as, "Punky Palooza!" We are kicking off the festivities with a look back at the past year. Since that fateful ultrasound, December 16, 2013, we have been told many times that she likely would not live to celebrate this milestone. We have time and time again prepared ourselves for the worst and time and time again, Caroline surprises us. Before taking a look at the images of the past year, I just want to share some things we have learned.

1. It's ok to be angry. 

2. Everyone has battles and scars. 

3. God is still good. 

All your life you are taught not to question authority, especially that of God. However, through the questioning, crying, and screaming, I would say that He and I are closer. There is an authenticity to our relationship that hasn't been there before. I would like to share something a kind chaplain told us before one of her surgeries. Josh and I had visited with him a few times, so we felt comfortable sharing our frustrations and confusion. Then, of course, we start backpedaling. When you spend time at hospitals, it becomes very clear that there are others with seemingly heavier loads to bear. Then, the chaplain did something surprising. He didn't remind us to be thankful for what God had given us. No. He stopped us right there and said, "Don't ever minimize your trials. It is ok to question God and be angry." He then shared with us that his youngest daughter has special needs and will always require constant care. He spoke with sincerity and hurt when he said, "I will never, ever understand why He allowed this. He did not cause it but He allowed it…and yet, I know He is good. 

The purpose of documenting our journey was never to garner sympathy or make you feel your trials are less. Everyone has a battle and scars- some inward, some outward. Don't minimize your battle or your child's battle. I hope you feel empowered to get angry sometimes, but please, know that He is still good.  

As promised, I have pictures to share, but don't worry, not all 268 of them. It was so difficult to pour over these memories and select which ones to share. We want this video to give you a glimpse of the mountains she has climbed, but mostly, we want these images to show you her indomitable spirit and the immense joy she exudes in spite of her circumstances. We hope when you watch it, that it makes you smile. 

The Best Medicine

Next Saturday, Caroline will be 1 year old. What a crazy, scary, wonderful year it has been. For her party, I thought I would print out a few pictures to highlight this first year. Well, a "few" turned into 268. I reasoned I could put the rest in her baby albums…that I still haven't even opened. Once. It's gonna happen, though…eventually. Anyway, yesterday, Caroline and I went to pick up the pictures. This sounds like a trivial thing- nothing to make a fuss about, right? The thing is, Caroline hasn't really been out and about, except for hospitals and clinics, until this past week. With all of her surgeries and health issues, we've had to be very careful about germs. I know I sound like the typical paranoid first-time mom, but with her special issues, there is no such thing as "just a cold." So this has been quite the week for her. She is meeting new people and seeing new sights and my, it's a big world. Since she has really only been around doctors and nurses, Caroline is a bit, well, leery of people. That may be putting it mildly. Let me put it this way,  if you see us out and about and Caroline cuts her eyes at you while clinging to me for dear life, please know it's not you. She just thinks you could possibly be holding a shot behind your back. You can't be too careful, after all.

Anyway, like I was saying, we were picking up the "few" pictures and the cashier starts by saying, "oh, I saw this one picture…" She starts back pedaling, "well, we don't really look at your pictures, but it was on the top when I opened the machine, and…" I sucked in a breath sharply, steadying myself for whatever question she might have and trying to go through the pictures in my mind. Was it one of the helmet pictures? The nasal stent? The lip tape? The ventilator? Then, relief washes over me when she says, "and I think it was an Easter picture right? With the banner? She's wearing a hat and a dress? Oh that picture was so cute! I have all boys so I never get to take any cute Easter pictures like that." Obviously, I'm not ashamed of the other pictures- they are simply part of our year's memories- but honestly, it just feels good for someone to see Caroline as simply an adorable little girl without knowing her history.

We made a few other stops, and later that afternoon, I set out the pictures on the kitchen table and began looking through them. I had to stop and start back again several times. I had to step away from them until the memories and accompanying emotions subsided. It's a difficult task to look back, but it makes me appreciate how far we have come on this ride. I don't know how I will pick only a handful to show you. I may have to do a 1st year installment - don't worry, I promise I won't post 268 pictures…maybe.  All of the sifting through pictures, reflection, and party-planning can be a bad combination. The kind of combination that makes you want to staple streamers to the wall, eat the cake icing with a spoon, and call it a day.

Then, in the midst of the messiness, she shines her joy. So, when you are stressed and cursing Pinterest for making you feel like a complete failure as a mom for not having monogrammed favor bags, Etsy party hats, and a 5-tiered glorious, unicorn-topped, gold flake-dusted confection that puts your own wedding cake to shame….

There's a cure for that. This cure comes in a messy shirt and surrounded by clutter, but that's sort of the running theme of our life. It is messy but oh, she brings the joy to it.

I'm just going to leave this here…

.

Canaan Bound

So, I'm not very good at this blogging thing…good thing I don't rely on it for my income. I apologize for the lack of updates and for the vagueness of my recent Facebook posts. It has been a busy couple of weeks, but now, it's safe to fully disclose our recent adventures on this ride and bring you up to speed. Hop on and buckle up…

Last week, Caroline had her first big road trip. Before this, she had only gone as far as northwest Arkansas to visit relations. As you can imagine, we were a bit concerned about how she would handle being in the car for 5+ hours. You have the normal worries of fussiness and boredom…and a few more unique worries like airway issues and feeding issues. I am happy to report Caroline was a real trooper and a delightful travel companion. We only had one emergency choking spell the entire trip to Dallas and back, so that's a huge victory.  We headed out on our adventure Easter morning. My parents were already in Texas, but it was difficult being away from home and the rest of our family. Finally out of cold/flu season, we had planned to take Caroline to church for the first time, but as a parent, you do what you have to do…and this Dallas trip is definitely what we had to do. Although we missed our  Easter Sunday traditions, my sister-in-law graciously did an Easter photo shoot for us. Yes, I know I have posted this on Facebook, but come on, it is way too precious to not post again.

My Sweet Caroline. Oh, how about one more...

"What's that? You say He is risen?" 

So, why Dallas? You may remember a post a couple months ago about the passing of our beloved Dr. Honnebier, our amazing craniofacial surgeon. Well, our first emotion was sadness and the next was anxiety. What were we going to do for Caroline? You may also remember some new neurological concerns and the uncertainty surrounding if and how her neurosurgeon would treat them. So, we did what any parent would do in our situation. We researched. A lot. We talked to other parents and everything kept pointing to this team in Dallas. We made the phone calls, completed paperwork, sent records, and finally had confirmed appointments to meet these specialists. Although we were really excited and hopeful, we were also scared out of our minds. I'm a creature of habit. I like my routine. I like eating the same things, and am totally thrown if Kroger is out of my favorite coffee blend. For the past year, ACH has been our home away from home. Only an hour from home and we know where to find the best coffee, the cleanest restrooms, and the quietest waiting areas. But, oftentimes, the best thing isn't always the most convenient or comfortable. We are once again exercising our trust muscles. As we have been studying the life of Moses this year in Bible Study Fellowship, I tend to relate their journey to Canaan to our journey of finding the very best treatment and healing for Caroline. As they traveled to this new land that God promised them, they faced giant doubts and fears, and sometimes, they succumbed to them. The night before our first appointment, I asked you to pray for peace and discernment. Thank you for faithfully praying. I can assure you each prayer is felt and appreciated more than I can express. We first met with Dr. Fearon, our new craniofacial surgeon and we had such a positive visit. Much was discussed but one thing he said that I will never forget is, "I expect Caroline to grow up to be very normal and very beautiful." These are words we have never heard from a doctor. These simple words affirm what I hope and dream for her and really, how I see my daughter. The next day we met with the neurosurgeon and received both good news and some uncertainty. The thing is, I can never become too comfortable with relying on the wisdom of man. Although we feel we have the best team of surgeons working on her behalf, I ultimately have to trust Caroline's life into the Hands of God. In this new land, we still face giants and fears, but we do have this peace and assurance that we are on our way to healing.

So, what's next for Caroline? We have our next surgery May 8th- palate repair. It's a big one, as all surgeries are when performed on your child. It will be a tough recovery but this big surgery will also usher in some big changes. This will vastly improve her quality of life. Once she is healed up, she will finally be able to eat foods besides purees and will be able to make more sounds. Currently, she tries so hard to talk, but can only make breathy sounds like "hi." You know that my heart is aching to hear "mama" for the first time. Then, she will have skull reconstructive surgery in the fall. A shunt is still up in the air. The neurosurgeon does believe she will need one at some point, but we do not yet know when that point will be. Again, this is where that trust muscle is stretched. Thank you for riding, stretching, and praying with us. Lastly, when you get a chance, would you listen to this song? Our pastor introduced us to this song one Sunday, and it has become a favorite. I can't listen to it without crying. It reminds me to have faith along this journey and know that it is so very temporary.

Spring and New Beginnings

Spring has sprung! Sunny daffodils now line my drive. The Bradford pear and saucer magnolia trees in  the backyard are in full bloom. Ah, my yard has life again! When I look out my window, I still see barren branches and mostly brown grass, but I also see flecks of color and signs of life. Spring is probably my favorite season. Well, when fall comes around giving a little relief from the unbearable humidity and heat of an Arkansas summer, I flip-flop like a politician…but right now, spring definitely has my heart. It's a reminder that He creates life from dormancy transforming even the dreariest landscape. Indeed, He makes all things new. I've heard it said that there has to be a winter in order to truly appreciate spring. While I would still be fine living in a climate of perpetual spring, I can assure you there is truth in that statement. While, some days, things still look a bit dreary at first glance, I can think back to last summer when we were experiencing some truly bleak, winter days and gain a fresh perspective. Now, I gaze out at our circumstances and I can see buds of colorful hope springing up from darkness.

Last week, Caroline saw her pediatrician for her last RSV shot (Hal-le-lu-yer!) We weighed her but then she started choking a bit so I asked that we not lay her flat for them to measure her length. We weren't there for a check-up anyway so I reasoned a length wasn't that vital. Well, Dr. B comes in and says, "I need a length on her." Now, she and her nurses are excellent and very accommodating so they figured out a way to measure her without having to lay her flat- thanks, ladies.  I still asked why she needed a length. Her response- it still floors me- "Because Caroline has gained quite a bit of weight since last time and I need to make sure she's not getting fat." My jaw might have come close to hitting the ground. See, if you had told me last summer that there would ever be concern of Caroline "getting fat," I would have told you to lay off the crazy sauce.

My baby, who entered the world blue as a smurf.
My baby, who didn't receive any milk for the first 3 days of life.
My baby, who relied on a feeding tube for nearly a month.
My baby, who couldn't drink an ounce without choking.
My baby, who couldn't breathe out of her nose.
My baby, who has been through 10 surgeries.
My baby, who battles severe reflux.
My baby, the fighter, who has every reason in the world not to thrive, is growing and surpassing limits and expectations.
My baby, caused concern for "getting fat" and I could not be prouder.

Well, it turns out, Caroline is right at the 75th percentile on the growth charts for weight and length! In my former life as a dietitian, I spent a lot of time looking at growth charts and helping parents keep their children on a healthy curve. I had planned on battling texture aversions and feeding difficulties alongside her to just keep her on the chart and, honestly, was hopeful for somewhere around the 10th-25th percentile. How she delights in proving me wrong. So, what else has Caroline been up to besides eating? Well, she's going through this stage of clingy-ness. Caroline has always been a very attached baby, but this is a whole 'nother level of attached…like, I think she would be perfectly content if she were physically attached to my hip via velcro. I'm ashamed to admit I have felt a bit put out.  Why won't she just sleep 4 consecutive hours at night? Why won't she just let me set her in her busy seat so I can shower? Why does she act like the highchair and stroller are now torture chambers? Then, I think about last May when I wasn't allowed to hold her and how I would have done anything for the chance to rock her to sleep. I think about all of those studies I read while I was pregnant and worried how or if she would bond with me. Well, like I said, Caroline loves to take my fears and plans and prove me so very wrong.

Yes, I am thankful for spring and this little bud who keeps growing and blossoming despite the odds.

Jedi Powers and King David

I really hate waiting. Waiting lines. Don't you hate when the person behind you stands way too close?  I have personal space issues, I guess. Waiting rooms. Giant petri dishes. I will try to find the most isolated area and never fails, someone will sit right beside me and hack or talk loudly. That reminds me of Caroline's first surgery. We were still in the NICU. She was 2 weeks old. A very traumatic experience for all of us to say the least. My family and I sit down in the surgery waiting area and a family next to us talks about funerals and burial plots the whole. dang. time.

Annoying Person #1: "At my funeral I want them to sing that one song..."
Annoying Person #2: "Well I want the plot by (so-and-so) not that other one…"

 If there were ever a chance to use some Harry Potter magic to punch someone and then make them forget the whole incident….Oh or maybe some Jedi mind control.
Me: (Throat punches annoying person)
Annoying Person: "What the -"
Me: (Waving hand in front of his face) "I did not throat punch you."
Annoying Person: "You did not throat punch me."
The lesson here is there are plenty of topics to discuss in a surgery waiting room…death is not one of them, but I digress...

If you recall, we have been in a waiting period lately. We came to a fork in the ride. We chose a path. A new path. Then, we had to exit the ride momentarily as this new path is being readied. We stepped away from the platform to reassess our objectives and choices. We bought our tickets. Then we waited. I got a long-awaited call yesterday to confirm we are booked on this ride and given a departure time. As thankful as I was to receive that call, I still felt annoyed by this waiting period.

When I feel overwhelmed by the unknowns and the wait, I go to my guy King David. I am actually aware there are other books in the Bible, but if you were to peek at my notebook, you would think I only knew of Psalms. When I let doubts consume me, I copy down His truths and promises much like a student copies vocabulary words and definitions. There's something about actually writing out the words by hand that helps them soak in to my heart. Lately when I pray, I feel at a loss for words. Then I pick a Psalm and pray those words. I realize David wasn't the author of each one, but he did author most of my personal favorites.

I once heard someone say that if David had Prozac, the Psalms wouldn't exist. I have a problem with that observation. Sure, his Psalms are gritty and seem to waver from one emotional extreme to the next, but consider the obstacles he faced. Consider the long wait he endured to become king. Saul wasn't going to relinquish that throne without some conflict. Imagine being chased by a man and his armies- who were devoted to ensuring your destruction. I know I would find myself complaining much like David does at the beginning of Psalm 13…

"How long O LORD? Will You forget me forever?

  How long will You hide Your face from me?"

Then, see how David changes his prayer…

"But I trust in your unfailing love; 

my heart rejoices in your salvation.

I will sing The LORD'S praise,

for He has been good to me." 

David was flawed, but he was still called a man after God's own heart. God promised him the throne, but he had to endure a difficult waiting period. He made mistakes- big ones but through them he became more appreciative of His grace.  Troubles surrounded him and he did his fair share of complaining. It seems odd that he would change his tune so quickly, but David remembered God's promises - past, present, and future. He could look back and see that God had not failed him yet. He called on God's character.

He is trustworthy.

He is faithful.

He is loving. 

Like David, I am so very flawed. I complain. I make mistakes. Yet, I pray during this difficult wait, that  I will recall His promises and His character. Just like He showed up during that first surgery and kept Caroline safe…and kept me from harming the annoying family…I know He will keep showing up. He hears every grumble, sees every tear, and He answers. I know He began a good work in Caroline. I know He will see us through and He will complete this good work.