It seems like Andrew was born yesterday, but next week he will be 12 weeks old.
The past 12 weeks have been a time of adjustment for our family. While we are so happy to have Andrew, it has not been easy. Can I just be honest with you? The past 12 weeks have been downright hard. I think I self-righteously assumed that it would be a breeze, given everything we have been through with Caroline. How hard could it possibly be adding a healthy, medically-typical baby to the mix?
Oh, how wrong you were, Katie.
Josh has been working an outage that seems to be never-ending, so I've been the only parent for the majority of the time. While I have a great support system and wonderful family close by to offer a hand, I'm so tired. Somedays it seems there isn't enough coffee to remedy the exhaustion. As a result of this exhaustion, I've been dealing with burn out. Somedays, I feel like I'm really doing a pretty good job at this Mom thing, but honestly, most days I feel like an absolute failure. I forget that these little people are constantly looking to me. Looking for my reactions, my approval, my attention. Here's one example…
Caroline had been battling ear infections, tonsillitis, and other lovely things that come from being around other children and being the friendly hand-holding, neck-hugging child that she is. Whenever Caroline has any drainage at all and starts coughing, you can bet she's going to throw up. Well, one Saturday, I was getting ready for a friend's wedding. I accomplished the feat of showering and fixing my hair while keeping 2 kids happy. Then Caroline starts coughing…
"Aw man!" I muttered as she's throwing up in my hair, down my shirt…you get the picture.
Then later that night, I'm just trying to make it until Josh gets home and 30 minutes before he's scheduled to walk through the door, she has another coughing fit while I'm getting her pi's on her in her room.
(Sigh) "Dang it."
I take Caroline to the kitchen for paper towels. Then as we are walking back to her room, she stops at her door and peeks into her room. She points to the mess, shame painted on her face, and says, "oh no, Caroline. No, no, no…Caroline did that, Mama."
Knife to my heart.
I said, "Oh, Caroline, it isn't your fault. You aren't in trouble."
She brightens and says, "Oh ok. Anroo did it."
That was a painful reminder to be extra-kind, extra-gracious, and extra-patient with my children. They are constantly looking, especially in those moments when I think they aren't looking. That day was hard, but there have also been sweet little gems mixed into the hard days. Like when Andrew is crying and Caroline takes off toward his room and says, "I'm coming, Anroo. It okay buddy." Or when she picks up her baby doll and says, "Come here, sweet girl." Those little things remind me that I'm not always failing. I wonder how much better our world would be if we remembered that people are watching us, even when we think they aren't looking. People watch what you comment on, "like", and share on social media. There's a lot of fear going around and people are watching for your reaction. While I have been impulsive with sharing my opinions, I'm vowing to stop and think about my reactions and the consequences of them. I'm going to choose to be extra-kind, extra-gracious, extra-patient…and of course extra-thankful.
One perk of going to Dallas for all these specialists visits with Caroline is getting to shop at NorthPark. She always has MRI's and Neuro visits scheduled right after Christmas, and even though she will have already opened numerous gifts, her daddy will take her to the Disney store and buy her whatever she asks for because that's the kind of man he is. While they do that, I may run into Peek…if you haven't been you should check it out. It's a really cute children's clothing store, but my favorite thing about it is they give you a printout of various poems and quotes about parenting. Here is one of my favorites…
When you thought I wasn't looking,
I saw you hang up my first painting on the refrigerator,
and I wanted to paint another one.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you feed a stray cat,
and I thought it was good to be kind to animals.
When you thought I wasn't looking,
I saw you make my favorite cake for me,
and I knew that little things are special things.
When you thought I wasn't looking,
I heard you say a prayer, and I believed there is a God I could always talk to.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I felt you kiss me goodnight, and I felt loved.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw that you cared,
and I wanted to be everything that I could be.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I LOOKED…
and wanted to say thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn't looking.
-Connie Back
