That's the question Josh asked me as soon as we left the maternal fetal medicine specialist's suite. We were standing in front of the elevators still processing everything Dr. Chatelain discussed over the past hour.
For the first time since finding out we were expecting our second child, we felt giddy. We felt those feelings again that we felt early in our pregnancy with Caroline. You know, the normal expectant parent feelings...excitement and anxiety, but mostly happiness and the assurance that everything would be ok. That's how we had felt with Caroline until the level 2 ultrasound. Then, our world changed. This time around, Josh and I were more seasoned. We were excited but mostly guarded. Cautious not to let ourselves be too carefree.
When we started sharing the news that we were expecting again, we received different reactions. Some simply congratulatory and others with a "congratulations, but..." We heard, "aren't you worried something will be wrong with this baby?" or "what are the chances this baby could be born with some of the same issues?" I never knew how to respond to these inquiries. Those words, though probably said from genuine concern, were beyond hurtful. It's a very complicated question to answer. Once you live through a complicated pregnancy marked with uncertainty, you are forever changed. You know what can happen. Gone are the days of blissful ignorance. I have watched my child fight for her life and handed her over to surgeons' hands 13 times....and yet, Caroline is more than worth all of the tears and heartache my family has endured. I certainly don't want to go through it again, but I know that He is able and we are able. Caroline is the very best thing that has happened to me. She is my greatest adventure, so I knew that even if we were asked to walk this journey again, we could do it. Each and every life is valuable, not just the "easy" ones.
That being said, we were extremely thankful to hear Dr. Chatelain's report of our baby. I was dreading this ultrasound- the big level 2- the same one where we learned of Caroline's issues. I hadn't experienced a "normal" one before. When he began, I had my eyes shut, tightly clutching a rosary in my hands, rubbing each bead with anxiety. He said, "I'm going to do my best to put your mind at ease." He went through each and every part of our child's anatomy reassuring us along the way. I finally opened my eyes and saw him kicking his feet. Dr. Chatelain described everything in detail. "Those feet are about an inch long- and I see 5 toes on each one." He showed us several angles of his lips and palate. I couldn't fathom a child not having a cleft. He said, "See? There's his lips and nose- I see 2 perfectly formed nostrils." I looked at him incredulously. "I promise." He checked his heart closely and reassured us everything was perfect. Lastly, we aksed him to measure his lateral ventricles in his brain. I don't think he gets many specific requests like that but he understood our concerns. He measured and assured us and finally had to let us know he was finished with his assessment. I kept laying on the bed for awhile. How could it be that straightforward? How could it be so easy? He offered to see me again at 20 weeks for another check and I jumped at that.
After calling our parents, we went to the car and poured over the pictures of our son...Andrew Davis Coffman.
"The Lord replied, 'I will personally go with you, and I will give you rest-everything will be fine for you.' "
-Exodus 33:14
