The week before surgery is always hard. For me, in many ways, it's even harder than the actual surgery week. Why? Worry. Worry takes over. I've heard since I was little, "Katie's just a worrier" and it's true. I can worry circles around anyone. I worry about what to pack. I worry we will forget something because you know, if you forget your toothbrush, you won't be able to find one anywhere in Dallas….right. I worry about the drive down. Will she get carsick, twice, again, in the middle of nowhere with no Lysol wipes for miles, so your GPS takes you miles off the route to a sketchy Walgreens? That will one day be a memory Josh and I look back on with humor- but that day has not yet come. I worry about her lab draw and pre-op appointments the day before. Will they get it on the first stick? Will it hurt? Don't even get me started on the worries that come with the actual procedure and hospital stay.Worry can consume me.
So, is it any coincidence that since finding out we would be going through this surgery, I have decided to embark on a major mission in my home? The past couple of weeks, I have devoted my free time, or Caroline's nap time, to "Operation Life Organization & Simplification." See, I'm really not an organized person by nature. Did I have you fooled? It's a common misconception that introverts are naturally organized. I'm truly not. In fact, I am having to train myself to do what feels most unnatural. Instead of sitting down with a book, I pick a project to tackle. I have cleaned, organized, and decluttered every closet, cabinet, and drawer in my home. One day, feeling at a loss because I had organized and cleaned most everything, I grabbed a toothbrush and began dusting my baseboards and then proceeded to wipe them all down. I believe Josh was genuinely frightened that I had finally lost my mind or had been taken over by an alien life form. I've been making regular stops at the local donation center and almost feel close to the workers. Please don't assume it's because I'm an incredibly generous saint. I donate rather than sell because 1. I grew up watching Dateline and assume people on Craigslist and swap pages are crazy and 2. I'm too lazy to write an ad, publish said ad, answer messages about the ad, and meet up with the probably crazy person/serial killer (see reason #1.)
Anyway, the good thing about Operation Life Organization & Simplification, other than having a clean house and actually knowing where the receipt and warranty for the Dyson is located, is the fact that it has given me something to think about. I like being in control. I have absolutely no control over surgery, so I control what I can. As much as I can drown in worries, I can drown in clutter, too.
Throw pillows for days, y'all.
So, I have been bagging up my clutter. The things that have been crowding my closets, shelves, junk drawers- my life- now have new homes. The true junk like the half-used jars of nail polish I bought in middle school- yes, I'm serious, 20-year old nail polish- was hauled to the curb last night and driven away this morning to the dump. The stuff that I just don't need anymore, extra clothes, pillows, bedding, books, has been donated. Each time I drag a big, black sack of stuff to the trash or donation center, I feel a tightness in my chest start to loosen. Does that sound crazy? I actually feel like I can breathe deeper. The other day I noticed for the first time that my jaw was clenched. It felt so unnatural to relax it that I wondered how long I have been clenching.
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| She's a pretty good helper. Here she is helping me sort through my clothes. "What were you thinking? Ha! That will never fit again! No seriously, what were you thinking?!" |
Last night, I was standing at the sink doing dishes and the wave of panic hit me- the wave I had been dodging for weeks. I started crying and said, "God, brain surgery! This is so big. It's too big." I felt Him say, "but I'm bigger." Brain surgery is big, y'all. The variables are too many for me to begin to wrap my mind around. All I know is that He is in control and nothing is too big for Him.
"When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you."
~ Isaiah 43:2
